How could something so good be so wrong at the same time? I like her a lot. When I’m with her I’m happy. When I’m not with her I want to be with her. I want this to be something. I don’t want this to all be for nothing. That sinking feeling has returned albeit in a different sense. I can understand why Sarah was never here. I don’t want to be here—on this floor, I mean.
Being with her makes me happy, but it brings a guilt of knowing that I shouldn’t be encouraging this relationship. But I want it so badly. I want her. Not in a physical sense, don’t get me wrong. Something about her presence can turn a horrible day into the best day. I’ve been so reluctant to suggest any sentiment. There are times when I want to hold her hand or put my arm around her, but I know it’s not a good idea—it wouldn’t be beneficial. All things are permissible, but not all are beneficial, so it says. I know I’m being foolish and selfish but I can’t help it. I’m a scoundrel. I know it.
I don’t know what we are and I am so afraid of when we’ll have to define whatever this is. I want to be in a relationship—I want to know what it’s like to have someone all to myself. I want to be happy and it hurts knowing that I can’t have this. I always thought I can’t cross that line but with every day that passes, that line grows increasingly ambiguous.